Day 114: I love rock 'n' roll.

Or do I? Today was the day of the corporate rock gig for charity, where I and a troupe of leggy, long-tousle-haired hotties, performed Joan Jett's "I Love Rock 'n' Roll". I have done this song so many times it's embarrassing. Indeed it is the track that turned me onto rock 'n 'roll at the tender age of three (I remember vividly the impact of that video on my baby retina and miniature psyche). And while our performance was perfectly rocking, the experience just brought up more of an alarming feeling I have been having lately: that I am over rock. I'm not over the music necessarily. I still love the thwumping gritty grr of a rock 'n' roll beat combined with greasy, stringy crunch guitar sounds. That's hot. But I'm completely yawned out on being a rock chick. I'm not sure I like the toughness of it all anymore. It feels ugly. I'm also not sure how visible I really want to be either. There's something ugly about that too. The freaky thing is, and what I'm almost scared to admit, is that I don't know if I want to be a rock star anymore. It sounds like a cop-out I know. It also feels like very weird territory because it's effectively me giving up on a dream I've had since I was a nipper; the one thing I've never doubted ever and have come back to time and time again. Maybe it's just that my idea of how I see "rock stardom" manifesting is changing. Maybe it's that I'm starting to distill down to the parts of the experience that really give me satisfaction. You see, what I've been realising lately is that my real endeavour and deep desire is to produce something creatively of which I am immensely proud and which feels perfect to me. I want to record a song in such a way that I just love it and would happily show it to any of the coolest, most amazing people in the world as an example of what I'm capable of. I realised a while ago that making art is cool because, while you can't control what happens in life, to a large extent you can control what happens in your art; you can make a little pocket of personal perfection, and in doing so more happily let life rage in chaos around you. So I am more interested in creating a product I like than being some jumped up dick prima donna rock star. You get me right? Really I suppose there's nothing at all wrong with shifting the focus off being a wanker and on to making something artistically satisfying. So we're cool. And I do still love rock 'n' roll (just in a more laid back, less embarrassingly in your face kind of way).