Day 157: self sabotage.

I think I've spoken about this before, perhaps many eons ago, and if I recall correctly more in the context of my old, bad, damaging drinking ways. It's a pattern I have recognised in myself, but had hoped was a feature of me+alcohol, as opposed to, well, just me I suppose. So today I say bugger, ironically because it marks a moment of enlightenment and discovery in this alcohol-free experiment. It was on Day one, the very first wonky and ill-considered step towards the sober light, that I wrote "presumably I will find out whether it is in fact the booze that's hindering my ability to get to where I want to go, or my own innate short-comings". Time to face a short-coming of the innate variety people. Actually, you don't have to, I do. It's become apparent to me that I have an inbuilt self sabotage reflex. It used to manifest in lawless drinking bouts. Now it just seems to take the form of anti-behaviour, things that are the opposite of what is good for me and the opposite of helping me make progress of the kind I might like. Things like not exercising even when I know exercise makes me feel and look good. Things like eating crap, when I actually feel much better eating healthy. Or not doing my singing practice, or stopping working hard on a project just when it might have a chance of getting somewhere. In fact it's almost like I have to do the bad stuff to an extent where it will actually take me backwards a little. So if I've been feeling energetic and healthy and thin, I have to eat chocolate and sugar and drink coffees and sloth about not exercising until I'm feeling fat and lethargic and angry. Or if the music's going well, I have to suddenly drop everything and discover a totally new hobby that will take my mind completely away from the task at hand. Why? Why can't I just help myself to be the best thing I can be? Why do I deliberately set myself up to fail? What kind of a psycho actively and routinely takes steps to make their own endeavours less likely to succeed? A me kind of psycho, even alcohol free. Well you can't blame alcohol for everything. Maybe it's more of an amplifier than the root of all evil; it just makes existing problems shout a bit louder. Yip, fine, great. But that doesn't help me with the little vandalism of my own happiness problem. At least if I can see it now a little more clearly, maybe I can do something about it? Is this one of those moments of clarity you hear people talking about? Don't know. All I can say is, not drinking just got hard on my arse.