Thursday, April 29, 2010

Day 174: I think I want my life back.

This was unexpected. Or was it? I just saw a me-ish lady heading off somewhere on this sunny public holiday afternoon with one demure little bottle of wine tucked neatly under her arm, presumably to some lunch or picnic or afternoon with friends. I want that. I want lay afternoons spent happily lazing and laughing and chatting with wine. Where has that gone? Why has it gone? Is wine a necessary component for enjoyable interludes like that? I hate to say it, but I think the answer's yes. It sets the tone, it sets the mood, it makes things cruisey. The absence of alcohol makes everything focused and businesslike. You get on with the job and then look for another one. It's one thing after another. Which is good if you're on a mission. Which I am. But you also want the relief of a hazy happy laze. Some relaxed none of this matters time. Where's mine? It's disappeared. I want to get somewhere, true. But I also want to have fun. Lately I have let the fun factor slip out of view. I tried to have a party, but nobody came. Am I putting out the wrong vibe? Do people sense that my veins are bereft of loose juice? Are people repelled by my purity and focused brain of steel? As I have recently noted, I haven't even made halfway yet. I'm close, but still, halfway means the same again to get through. I don't feel like I'm going to break and wreck the mission, but I don't want my year off the piss to also be my year of boredom and misery. Well, I'm not bored so that's one thing. But I do need to get out more. So maybe I'll just have to focus on that. Stepping back into the alcohol zones but not partaking, trying to soak up some of the party vibe while ignoring the alcohol stench (just lately when walking past pubs I have really noticed the smell - they effing wreak.). Just keep on battling. After all, no one said this'd be easy.

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