Friday, September 24, 2010

Day 322: there must be more than this.

Life really is pretty fine at the moment, and I'm really not miserable or sad. But I am feeling a tiny bit bored with the state of things. It also occurred to me that I spend a good chunk of my time (and draw a certain amount of my hope and contentment from) imagining my future, rather than really, truly engaging with the right now. It's like I see the life I'm living right now as a phase I need to tolerate and pass through before the real thing fires into action. This is a vaguely alarming realisation. Firstly, it kind of means I'm living in dreamland half the time. Secondly, it probably means that while I say things like "Life really is pretty fine at the moment" (pretty fine?! Don't get too excited now, you might burst a vein.) what I really feel is that my life is not at all where I want it to be. Now, out of this come some questions. 1. Am I being ungrateful for the wonderful things in my life by thinking there must be some better reality I could be living? 2 Do I have completely unrealistic expectations of what life should be like? 3. Or am I actually locked into a boring holding pattern that I desperately need to break out of? It's true that I have an awesome family that I wouldn't trade with anyone for anything ever. In that I am extremely lucky, and for that I am eternally grateful. I am also very grateful for my health, my freedom, my living conditions, surroundings, opportunities, abilities, fun times etc. But there is something missing. Maybe it's as simple as another person - a partner. Or maybe it's that I haven't yet realised my creative ambitions. It's like there's still a connection I need to make, a slotting into place that needs to happen, some breakthrough that makes life less of a surface scramble and more of a fulfilling experience. Oh, who knows? It just feels like there's got to be more to life than this.

1 comment:

  1. You can also be grateful for the fact that you had the willpower to stop drinking and shift the focus to other aspects of your life. I'm hoping to find that willpower soon. I've really enjoyed the blog! Thanks for the inspiration...