Friday, September 24, 2010
Day 322: there must be more than this.
Life really is pretty fine at the moment, and I'm really not miserable or sad. But I am feeling a tiny bit bored with the state of things. It also occurred to me that I spend a good chunk of my time (and draw a certain amount of my hope and contentment from) imagining my future, rather than really, truly engaging with the right now. It's like I see the life I'm living right now as a phase I need to tolerate and pass through before the real thing fires into action. This is a vaguely alarming realisation. Firstly, it kind of means I'm living in dreamland half the time. Secondly, it probably means that while I say things like "Life really is pretty fine at the moment" (pretty fine?! Don't get too excited now, you might burst a vein.) what I really feel is that my life is not at all where I want it to be. Now, out of this come some questions. 1. Am I being ungrateful for the wonderful things in my life by thinking there must be some better reality I could be living? 2 Do I have completely unrealistic expectations of what life should be like? 3. Or am I actually locked into a boring holding pattern that I desperately need to break out of? It's true that I have an awesome family that I wouldn't trade with anyone for anything ever. In that I am extremely lucky, and for that I am eternally grateful. I am also very grateful for my health, my freedom, my living conditions, surroundings, opportunities, abilities, fun times etc. But there is something missing. Maybe it's as simple as another person - a partner. Or maybe it's that I haven't yet realised my creative ambitions. It's like there's still a connection I need to make, a slotting into place that needs to happen, some breakthrough that makes life less of a surface scramble and more of a fulfilling experience. Oh, who knows? It just feels like there's got to be more to life than this.
Posted by Claire at 12:16 PM