Day 303: admitting defeat.

Last night a large team of people from work, including myself, worked long and late to produce a mountain of pitch work. Then today, when it was all safely delivered, a group of us went to the pub. Now don't be alarmed by today's entry title. I certainly didn't drink. But being around everyone as they slipped speedily down the sloppy slide to sozzled, brought up a few things for me (and no I'm not talking about my lunch). It's no secret that over the last little while I've been tiring of being Miss Straight and Sober, and looking forward somewhat to returning to the ways of the drinking masses. But therein lies the problem I now find front of mind. The masses. I don't know if it's my stupid "third child" wanting to stand out excuse coming to the fore again, but I have an issue with just going back to what everyone else does if it's only because everyone else does it. Lately, I have definitely been feeling some of the lonely side of sobriety. I have been toughing out the singling out that seems to come with the territory, and it has made me want to be more in an accepted zone again. But I take issue with returning to an accepted zone if it is only for the reason that it is accepted. I don't mind returning to an old habit if I find the old habit is better than the new one. But just returning to it because everyone else does it? It just feels like in a way I have clambered out of a hole by not drinking. It feels like I have made a certain amount of progress in myself. But it seems that in order to have a really good time socially and be included by my peers, I am required to crawl back into the hole. I have said there are things I like about the effects of alcohol. A little looseness here and there is fun and most definitely a good thing. But there's something that kind of depresses me about how much everyone is hanging out for me to get back on the booze. I get really turned off by people who are closed to new ideas or possibilities. When people refuse to even allow themselves to think something is possible, or shut down other people when they suggest something a little bit out of the ordinary or a little bit hard, they kill the possibility simply with their limited thinking. A lot of people can't even begin to fathom that not drinking might a) be an option at all and b) actually be a better option than what they're doing now. Their behaviour and thinking is so entrenched that it becomes a concrete wall. And if people are thinking that way, it kind of doesn't even matter if I've discovered a beautiful Utopia on the other side of the concrete. They don't believe it exists, so they won't come and see it with me. And how good can a Utopia really be when you're in it all alone? So do you see my problem? I almost feel as if I will return to drinking, not because it's bad being alcohol free, but because it's lonely. It's like getting out of jail and going straight back to bank robbing, just because the only friends you have are robbing banks. It feels somehow like defeat. But if being alone or admitting defeat were your only options, which way would you go?