Sunday, August 1, 2010
Day 269: what it means to follow your dreams.
I'm slow, a late bloomer, whatever you want to call it, but it's taken me quite a while to cotton on to something. Before, I was under the impression that "following your dreams" was something that could be done within the constructs of normal life, like, something you work on in the midst of doing other normal stuff. I suppose I believed that you could pursue your dreams while maintaining a cosy little suburban existence with all the lovely trappings that come with. But now I think things might be a little different to that. To follow one's dreams means exactly that: you clamber in a fevered fashion along the path your dream leads you down. It takes you wherever you have to go and it doesn't much care if that suits you or not, or if it feels happy, easy and nice. If you want the dream, you just have go where the dream takes you. I have been thinking about this, because over the last day or two, it has come to my attention that some people think some of my choices are, how can I put this, weird? They think there must be something wrong with me. They think I am doing things they wouldn't like to do, and wouldn't enjoy, and because of that they can't understand why I am doing them. They wouldn't like to do them, and they don't like me doing them. Mainly it's the not drinking and the vegan food choices people seem to have a problem with, but I also discovered that certain men I work with (I haven't yet pinned down exactly whom) have a problem with the fact I don't fawn all over them and flirt and flash my boobs around enough (I think they also have a problem with my not drinking because that might lead to more of the aforementioned lacking behaviour). Now, what I think is interesting about all this, is that in fact I don't always like doing the things I'm doing, but I feel compelled to do them because it is where my path needs to go. I know, for example, that not drinking makes it more difficult to mingle socially with people and loosen up and behave the way other people want girls like me to behave - and honestly, sometimes that's exactly what I would like to do - however, I don't care that that is the case, because I am going somewhere with this. It's like I'm on my own little bullet train, and my own set of rails, and regardless of how comfortable or convenient for me or anyone else it is, I am fucking going to my destination. That's what's happening and I couldn't give a shit if anyone gets it or not, even if I wanted to. It's a bizarre sensation. I don't feel like I'm being a very normal human being right now, and I don't care about being a normal human being. I have some things I need to follow and get done, not all of which have even completely come clear to me yet but which are pulling me along even so. So there we are, and where is that exactly? Not sure, but what can you do? Go with the flow and keep on doing what you gotta do.
Posted by Claire at 1:11 AM