Thursday, January 14, 2010
Day 72: what was I doing again?
Over the last couple of days I've had a weird thing going on with the non drinking, where it feels so natural and easy that I sort of can't remember why I'm doing it. It's like I've gotten so far away from my bad drunken behaviour of previous times, that I can't remember what the problem was to start off with. At the same time I have no particular desire to drink. The thought of getting hammered actually really scares me now. (I can't work out if that's healthy progress or some new adult neurosis I've developed.) I think it has something to do with reading Augusten Burroughs. He was/is a full blown alcoholic. A lot of the people he's writing about are alcoholics or addicts. So alcohol for them is not an option, it's an outright forbidden evil. For me alcohol is something I will presumably get around to drinking again at some stage. But the longer I go on not drinking it, the more insidiously bad it seems to me, and the more off-limits it becomes. It's like it's become a toxic substance that should only be approached in a special suit, gloves and breathing apparatus. But it's not actually that bad is it? The oft famed Mediterranean diet recommends a glass or two of wine a day for good health. And if you can stop at one or two, then presumably all is good. But then there's how the stuff makes you behave. Take the Jessica Davies story in the news right now. This niece of the British junior defence minister, stabbed and killed a French boy she picked up, during a drunken blackout. That's murder dude. Her quite reasonable statement on the incident (for which she has been jailed for 15 years): "What I did terrifies me... I can guarantee that I will never again touch a drop of alcohol". Right you are lassie. You are a terrible drunk. So maybe I am right to be afraid of the stuff. Or maybe I am just obsessing about a substance that is constantly on my mind (I write about it every day) but never in my system. Abstaining from alcohol is becoming a basic norm of my life, while the process is turning alcohol itself into some kind of fantastical, evil taboo. In any case, what I am supposed to be doing with my time is not obsessing over alcohol, but actioning my music project. And I'm happy to say that progress really is being made. In fact to prove it, tomorrow I will be releasing a little of what we've been up to, for the listening pleasure of a very select group: you guys. I would love to know what you think, so please comment up a storm. Tune in tomorrow, same bat time, same bat place (or any random time you feel like).
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Can't remember how I came across your blog... was from either a magazine or online article I believe.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, just wanted to congratulate your success so far.
I use to be in the same boat, I quit smoking and then started drinking to get through the cravings and such (I rarely drank before then) so it was from one addiction to the next and over a short period of time I found myself drinking more and more and becoming a psycho emotional wreck drunk bitch. Then I started the decend into what I imagine is the mindset of an alcoholic (my father is coincidently an alcoholic)... when I started to see these signs, I quit - I was lucky to have the will power (but mostly did not want to become my father). I wasn't horrible, and nothing really bad happened, but I could see what the future held for me if I didn't get myself sorted out.
I didn't go to AA or anything like that, I have never classified myself an alcoholic. I guess I just wasn't in the right mindset at that point in my life to be responsible with drinking.
These days I may have a glass of wine once a month, maybe less idk... it's not something I think about. Frankly I prefer not to drink as I've found I hate the feeling of being tipsy or drunk. I find alcohol effects me quickly now too. I also find after one or two glasses I don't want anymore.
So it was a success. I am positive you will succeed with this too.
Thanks Tootsy! For reading, and for your words of support. At this point I can't see myself returning to my old excessive drinking ways. After a year off I'll probably be wasted after two wines (a bit like my Mum used to be. Ha. Turning into my mother...)
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