Day 264: all about me.

I've mentioned before that I'm the third kid of four, and that this position in the family has lead to me being somewhat of a showoff. The reality is that when there are four kids doing their noisy thing, and you're somewhere in the middle of it all, you have to do things to get noticed and to get your teeny tiny point across (I think my Mum said that once she counted me saying something to my Dad 32 times before he finally heard me and replied.). Now, wanting to be a rock star is a pretty obvious adult translation of my childhood desire to be noticed right? But what about other stuff I've been doing as an adult? Could it be that all of my major desires and motivations as an adult stem from one impression stamped on my mini-me psyche? I started to wonder about this because I had a dream. In the dream, everyone I knew and loved was going to a festival and no one had bothered to tell me about it. As I started to protest I realised everyone was talking over me and not listening. And so I screamed, like a child, shrill and crazy and loud and long until everyone shut up and took notice. It was quite a hardcore dream. I woke up kind of shocked and surprised, because I had no idea I was feeling so... silenced, or overlooked or whatever. And it got me thinking. Is veganism just another way for me to stand out? Is going to New York just another way for me to assert my individuality? Is not drinking just another way I can say "look at me!"? Or does it even matter? Some people know who they are and what they want from the word go, and start getting on with the job as soon as they can walk. I guess I'm just taking my time to grow up, sort my shit out and settle on a me I'm happy with. And that's fine. It's just the way I am.