Day 252: gutted.

I am feeling a little emotional. I just found out my former drummer (you've met him before) and friend for 20 years has chosen not to play (or even try playing) in my proposed new group, electing instead to give his time to his new band, the members of which he has known for all of three months. When I sent out the invite to join I knew his saying no was a possibility. And my logical head says it's not a big deal. He has other commitments, I'll find another drummer. But the me that has a heart, a sense of history and a sense of loyalty is completely gutted. This year, in the name of music, I have endured considerable heartache. It is no small thing to see your band disintegrate, something in which you have invested a heap of time, trust, energy and hope. It's a shot at your dreams, dying in front of you. It hurts a lot. This last rejection is the final severing blow, and it feels like a claw around my heart, squeezing out the last breath of air that was keeping that musical relationship alive. It is final confirmation that I am entirely on my own (oh, that theme again). It could very well be this is the best thing for everyone. Maybe fresh everything is required. And on the positive side, one of the other people I've asked has responded with a resounding yes. So I guess I'd better find a way to muster my emotional mettle. Because I'm telling you, being in a band is not for the faint-hearted (and faint is what my heart is feeling right now).