Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Day 237: flying solo.

Today I left my happy Texan gang, with whom I have had such fun, and flew to Mexico on my ownsome. My cousin Charlotte is truly one of my soul buddies, and solid crew. We always have an awesome time together and it was sad to say goodbye. And now here I am, sitting in some kind of absolute paradise. Let me paint a picture: it is 7.30pm, a beautiful light evening. From where I'm sitting, on the balcony of my garden bungalow, the ocean looks almost mauve and small fishing boats are shining white in the sunlight. The air is warm, the ocean is crashing gently on the beach and on an outcrop of pretty rocks, and palm trees dot a large green lawn surrounded by a rock wall. Behind it there are dry, brown mountains. This is an amazing place to be. But I'm here alone. This year aloneness has been a theme. It has been the year I have chosen to do things that don't go with the flow, and that generally puts you out on your own limb. It has been a year that has found me in a life situation like none of my friends (single, without child, without mortgage) which has lent me a certain kind of freedom, but has forced me to walk a solo road. And so, here I am in a place that is just so great to be, but I am sharing it with no one, except you of course. The question I am tempted to ask is "why do I put myself in these situations?". But I don't think it's the right one. The real question is, "why has my life brought me here like this?". What is it about me, what I've done, where I'm going, how I behave that leads to me being here with a little lonely thought in my heart? Does it mean anything? Am I meant to learn something? Going to a holiday destination alone is not an obvious or clever choice for me, knowing me, as I do quite intimately. I do not make new friends easily because I'm a weird kind of shy (you probably wouldn't believe this if you knew or know me, but if you know me then we're already acquainted so the problem is removed). Let's rephrase that: I don't meet new people easily. Some people are pros at finding new pals. I'm not one of them. So I'm probably not the best candidate to be dropped into a sea of strangers. But circumstance meant I had to do it to myself. Literally no one else was in a position to come with me on this leg of the trip. And I'm damned if I'm going to just go home and not experience something this amazing, just because there was no one to come along and hold my hand. But it does mean I'm here alone when I'd much rather be here with at least another. Well, I don't know why I am such a loner right now, and I'm not sure if this little exercise will force me out of my shell, but I do know that this place is a little pocket of heaven. So maybe I should stop feeling sorry for myself, be a little more thankful, and just start soaking it all in.

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