Day 288: hints of happiness.

Today when I stepped out onto my front steps, the air was unexpectedly warm. Instead of the chilly, grey and wet I have been greeted with most mornings recently, a beautiful Sydney sunshiny day looked set to unfold. At work there was minimal agro, and my lunchtime was adorned with the presence of my Aunty Chris, a classy, cool and gorgeous lady who gives us the cuddles and caring interest our Mum would if she was still here, and who is truly a pleasure to be around. My little bro came to lunch too, and we had a very nice time. And then my afternoon passed pleasantly without any undue stress. And as I was walking home, listening to the new songs I had bought on iTunes, I just thought, why the hell am I freaking out all the time about stuff? Why am I so hell bent on being better and better all the time? Why am I always looking for a better place to be? It's true that there are things I would like to do with my life. It's true there are people I want to meet. It's true that I don't want to stay in the same spot my whole life without moving forward. It's also true that I don't want to disappoint you guys by not achieving anything I set out to do in this insane little year of mine. But from what I can tell so far, life isn't going to let me do anything until the time it's going to let me do it, so I might as well calm down and enjoy things a little bit more. I will keep on keeping on, I will not move my eyes from the prize, but I will carry out my missions in a way and at a pace that ultimately makes me happy. Relax darling, have a good time. Otherwise, really, what on earth is the point?

Day 287: yoga to the rescue.

Sometimes I think this should be called My Year Espousing The Virtues Of Yoga rather than My Year Off The Piss. In any case, I went to yoga this morning (bright and early at 6am), and it definitely energised me in the right direction. I felt calmer, more directed and more infused with positivity. And that helped me think more clearly about my little music conundrum. Obviously, the band idea isn't working. I could continue to push things in that direction, finding new band members, but that feels like the hard way to go about things. It feels like I'd be working against the flow of things. And I've been doing enough hard stuff this year, wading upstream against a torrent of sauvignon blancs, beers, Champagnes and vodka tonics, without adding another impediment to my achieving an easy life. I don't want to make a rash decision on this one, because I feel like it needs some decent thought, but here's where my head is today on my future music activities: I think I need to pursue a solo project, focusing on recording at first, and hopefully drawing on the occasional help of some of the people I know already. Nobody has to commit to a band, and I don't have to rely on anyone sticking with me to make the project work. Cool. And I also need to really push my NYC mission. Living in that city, for a time at least, is a dream I can't drop. And it needs to happen soon. The beauty of a solo music project, is that I can take it with me wherever I go. So yep, looks like I'm on the lone road again. But that's alright. Today, I feel pretty good about it.

Day 286: are you fucking kidding?

Sorry for swearing (hey Claire, here's an idea: just stop swearing and you won't have to apologise for it all the time.) but I can't fucking believe this (oop, there I go again). I got an email today from my keyboardist saying she can't be in the band. Now first of all, I don't blame her in the slightest. She has very, very good reasons for not being able to be a part of it, and I think it was good of her to let me know earlier rather than later. But seriously. Is someone trying to tell me something? Do I smell? Am I giving off some kind of mega repellent that is making my fellow musicians run from me? Honestly, God, Buddha, Allah, whoever you are, is there something you want to say? Never in my life before have I encountered so many difficulties in getting a project off the ground as I have in the past two years. Now, any sane person might have thrown in the towel by now. Is that what the Universe, in all its wisdom, is telling me to do? Well as much as I would love to be able to do that, it is simply NOT AN OPTION. Do you hear that forces of the Universe? I cannot back down until I have managed to DO SOMETHING. I have some REALLY COOL SONGS that need putting out. If my angels could please just gather together and help me instead of throwing obstacles in my path, we might all be able to leave work in time to catch the latest episode of the Hills (I hate that show, just for the record. Spencer Pratt is a scary, raving, lunatic weirdo. And I hope Heidi's H cups pop.). Anyway, apart from angels, there is still one person who seems to be interested in pursuing the project. Guitarist Ben (a different Ben from drummer Ben). I know. It's a frickin miracle.

Day 285: a familiar feeling.

This is probably not the best news for the shiny, happy image of my sober crusade, but I've told you everything else about me, so let's wade in. You remember I said that once upon a time I was frustrated with everything, and that after a while off the piss I noticed a miraculous turn around? Natural happiness started surging through my veins, and things that had seemed awful suddenly seemed okay. No more frustration, no more unhappiness. Well I'm afraid to say the frustration is back. I don't know why it is, but I can feel doubts taking hold, dead ends forming, my confidence waning. I feel like I am doing the wrong thing somehow, like I am not where I am supposed to be. I feel like lucky breaks happen to other people. I feel like no one is helping me get to where I want to go (why should they? They have missions of their own.). And I know that negative thoughts like these aren't going to help me get anywhere better. So I need to snap out of it somehow. I have considered getting my blood tested to see if my vegan diet hasn't robbed me of my happiness nutrients. But until I do that, I plan to exercise my way back to positivity. Yoga tonight (done), running tomorrow. And whatever comes after that.

Day 284: always go to the party.

Did I mention yesterday that I had a party to go to, and didn't really feel like going? Yes. And for a while there I really was teetering around thinking lying with my head under the sofa at home might be a better option. However, because it was the 30th birthday of an all round top lad, and because I had promised I was going, and because yesterday, in the mood I was in, hanging in my own company would have been truly unbearable, I went to the party. And it was really fun and cool. The music was radical, the crowd a group of kids who know how to party, and the place just the right shape and size for what was going down. It was great. And by the end of it, after much dancing, yabbering and munting around, I actually felt good again. The moral of the story? Always go to the party.

P.S. It should be noted that at this stage of my non-alcohol development I am actually very bored of going to parties or similar events stone cold sober. People at pissy parties are very wary of the soberly aware, and in general I think I would prefer to be more a part of the socially lubricated and easily mingling masses. However, I still have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be one of the obliterated females messily slathering kisses on boys they found not nearly so attractive only hours earlier, or just grazing themselves as they bash into walls. Not pretty. Not hot.

Day 283: turning anger into music.

My internal freak outs about the state of my everything lately have left me feeling a little frazzled and exhausted. Today I woke up in a general mood of over it (hilariously, (hilariously?!) my fug feeling was something akin to a hangover. I kind of felt a bit stuffed up, and bleary, and tired and intolerant. Watch out world, here comes Stormcloud Falloon.). To deal with this I elected to do only what was absolutely required of me, or whatever happened to appeal to my contrary mind. Lucky it was a Saturday. And so I showered (didn't wash my hair, couldn't be arsed), ate breakfast (toast, minimum effort), drank some tea, and happily ignored the enormous pile of clean washing begging to be folded and put away. And then my big sis called, and I went on a mooch to meet her at some of our favourite shops. The sun was shining, so this was all okay. I lazied my way into various places, tried on shades (cool ones), picked up a soy latte, and eventually met my sister and helped her pick out some threads for hubby DK. And while this was all actually very pleasant and just the kind of untethered blah-ing around I was after, I just couldn't shake my mood of lo fi anti attitude. I just kind of couldn't give a shit about anyone or anything. But as I was strolling home in my grizzly fuzz, my mood formed into a lyric. I wasn't home more than half an hour and my angry lyric had become a fully formed song. A really cool one. So while my crap mood really still hasn't dissipated, at least I got something satisfying out of it. Such is the awesomeness of music. And now I have to go to a party, which, while not really what I feel like doing, is a much better option than staying home and grizzling around the house.

Day 282: getting nowhere.

Do you remember, quite a long time ago (on day two in fact) when I committed to a hypothesis about what I might achieve from my year off the piss? No? Let me refresh. Here's what I said: By removing the distraction of alcohol and the fallout that goes with it, my mind and waking hours will be free to be used productively. This new clarity of mind and ability to focus will see me achieve amazing things. Right. Well here, exactly 280 days later, I think I'm in a position to at least partially assess the validity of that little statement. By removing the distraction of alcohol and the fallout that goes with it, my mind and waking hours will be free to be used productively. This much, I believe, is true. Having removed alcohol from my life, I do indeed have more hours in which to do productive things. And I probably have done quite a lot more over the past however many months than I have in previous years (I've changed jobs, got into shape, discovered and maintained veganism, saved for and gone on an amazing overseas holiday, read copious books, written and demoed plenty of songs, disbanded one musical group, played around with other musical projects, and finally started to put together another band). But let's take a look at that other bit. This new clarity of mind and ability to focus will see me achieve amazing things. Clarity of mind and ability to focus. Over the last few days I have been quietly feeling like I have been losing my shit, precisely because of the number of competing goals, projects, motivations, standards and opinions clamouring for attention in my overcrowded mind. I want to go to New York, have a successful band, be a better singer, get a book published, do amazing advertising work, find an amazing partner, be an attractive, healthy, relaxed, sociable girl, all at the same time. When I list it all out there, it doesn't actually sound like that much. But it is. Each and every one of those goals is an enormous, time and energy consuming project in itself. Each one needs complete dedication. Each one needs complete focus to be achieved. If I continue to hold all of them front of mind all of the time I will remain in a useless limbo and nothing will get done. What troubles me is that I discovered the need to focus on one thing and one thing alone, over 280 days ago. Why am I still faffing around with this scatter-brain approach? Was that the gods just speaking to me (my Mother?)? I just heard the word "prioiritse" echo through the outer hallways of my brain cavern. Yes. Prioritise. Forget what other people expect. Do what needs to be done now. Keep moving, and stop feeling so pathetic. After all in yoga, we only focus for an hour and a half. And within that we only focus on each posture for a minute or 30 seconds or so. Maybe if I break things down into smaller bits. Maybe if I allot say even one hour of every day to focused activities (working towards my top priority projects) I might feel better about things. Maybe then, I might start getting somewhere.